There will likely come a time when your child approaches you and asks an often-uncomfortable question: What is death? Some children ask whether they will die, or what it truly means to die.
Others want to know where their loved ones have gone when they die, or if dying means they’re coming back.
No matter how the question is phrased, it’s rarely easy to explain. If you need a helping hand in understanding the best approach for this sensitive subject, the following advice may prove helpful:
Be Honest and Simple
Honesty and simplicity are crucial when describing what death means to a child. You don’t need to go into specifics with the cause of death, such as malignant pleural mesothelioma or cancer.
You also shouldn’t use euphemisms or phrases that could lead to confusion about a loved one returning, such as ‘passed away’, ‘went to sleep’, and ‘gone away’. Children need clarity, such as ‘Grandma’s body stopped working and she died, which means she doesn’t need to eat, feel, or breathe anymore.’
Match Their Age and Understanding
How children perceive death depends on their age. Preschoolers from the age of two to five often see death as a temporary or reversible thing. In that case, you can tell them that when someone dies, their body stops working and we don’t see them anymore, but we can still love them.
Between the ages of six and nine, children start understanding that death is permanent, but have incorrect beliefs about it, such as thinking their thoughts can lead to someone’s death. In situations like that, you can tell your child that everyone dies someday, but most people live for a long time, and nothing they said or thought caused it.
As your child becomes a preteen or teenager, they can struggle with their emotions. Encourage them to ask questions and talk about their feelings. Tell them that it’s okay to be sad or angry, and that you’re there to help them through it. If needed, consider psychological support.
Encourage Questions
Death is a mysterious topic for many people, whether you’re a child or an adult. Children, in particular, have many questions and may be unsure whether they’re allowed to ask them. To ensure the subject is one that can be openly discussed, tell your children that they can ask any questions.
If you don’t have the answers they’re looking for, especially when discussing what happens once someone dies, you can use phrases like, ‘That’s a good question. I don’t know everything, but I’ll tell you what I believe.’
Offer Comfort and Reassurance
When children lose someone they love, they often fear losing other people. Offer comfort and reassurance when it’s needed. Tell your children that you’re still there and that they are safe.
Keep Memories Alive
Memories of a recently lost loved one don’t have to die with them. As a way to process grief in your family, set time aside for your child so you can remember the person you’ve lost together. Look at photos and videos, share favorite stories, and draw or write about the person.
Explaining death to children is rarely easy, but it’s possible with the right approach. Use age-appropriate terminology and be ready to answer questions, no matter how difficult they are. Your family can then grieve together and remember your lost loved one fondly.
Marissa is a Pediatric Occupational Therapist turned stay-at-home mom who loves sharing her tips, tricks, and ideas for navigating motherhood. Her days are filled starting tickle wars and dance parties with three energetic toddlers and wondering how long she can leave the house a mess until her husband notices. When she doesn’t have her hands full of children, she enjoys a glass (or 3) of wine, reality tv, and country music. In addition to blogging about all things motherhood, she sells printables on Etsy and has another website, teachinglittles.com, for kid’s activity ideas.
