Very soon after we got married, my husband and I hoped to start a family. Not just 1 or 2 kids, but the plan was 4! We could barely wait until after the honeymoon to begin trying for a baby.
After our first month of trying, we found out that we were pregnant. We were absolutely ecstatic that the good news we had hoped for arrived much quicker than expected.
We both cried tears of joy in the excitement and anticipation of this new baby that would soon be coming into our lives. We immediately started planning for our future as a family of 3.
Should we buy a new car? Can we start clearing out the bedroom that we will turn into a nursery? We should cancel that trip we planned for next summer because that’s when the baby will arrive. All of these thoughts flooded our heads.
I very quickly switched into mom mode. I was feeling my belly all the time and wondering what was happening inside of me. I began thinking of baby names and envisioning my life as a mom.
Discovering I was no longer pregnant
Five days after the positive pregnancy test, I went to work like any other day, still dying to tell my closest coworkers the good news. That’s when I started having some spotting.
I remembered what others had told me, that spotting could be implantation and plenty of women spot during pregnancy and have healthy babies.
As the day went on, the bleeding got heavier until one bathroom trip was an obvious sign that something was absolutely wrong.
I sobbed in the bathroom stall. Uncontrollably. I had to tell my coworkers what was going on and they were there to console me.
When I went to my obstetrician, they conducted an ultrasound and I was told that there was no yolk sac yet. This means that a fetus was not actually developing.
I was told to wait a few days to come in for another ultrasound to confirm those findings. Those were some of the hardest few days of my life, not knowing if
However, I did try to prepare myself for the worst and went day-by-day under the assumption that the pregnancy was over. This made it a little easier once I got the definitive news.
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All the Emotions
I felt so many emotions during those few days of uncertainty:
Guilt that I did something wrong to cause this pregnancy to end.
Fear that I would never be able to get pregnant again.
Afraid that I would continue to miscarry any subsequent pregnancies.
Confused about how this could happen and what was going on in my body.
Helpless because I had no control over it.
Bitter that this was happening to me when I know so many others who had hea
Depressed that I had lost what could have been such a blessing.
Alone because I felt that I had no one to talk to that would understand what I was going through.
Fortunate that we did get pregnant quickly so we know it is possible.
Hopeful that just maybe there was still a chance that this pregnancy would be viable.
The feelings actually lessened once I knew that the pregnancy had officially ended.
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Are my feelings valid?
One of the toughest emotions that I felt while grieving was a sense that my feelings weren’t valid. That I wasn’t pregnant long enough to warrant these feelings of pain and sorrow.
I almost felt like I didn’t have a right to be upset. After all, so many women experience the pain of losing their baby weeks or months into a pregnancy.
I thought of all the women who start decorating their nursery, pick out a name, see their baby’s button nose on an ultrasound, or hear that steady fetal heartbeat, all for it to be ripped away from them.
I never even heard the heartbeat. Never felt the flutters or kicks. But I did still feel that rush of emotions when you see a positive pregnancy test.
The shock and excitement that comes with finding out you’re pregnant was still very much part of my experience.
Changing my mindset
After the miscarriage, I still went through many feelings. Then came the realization that I was not as upset about losing this baby, but more scared for the future.
Would I be able to get pregnant again? Would it be that quick? Would I continue to have miscarriages? Can my body not hold a baby? Is there something wrong with me?
Instead of staying hurt, I had to focus on moving forward. I tried to look at all the positive in my life and reflect on that instead of feeling bad for myself that I had to experience such an emotional time.
I know that everything happens for a reason. This embryo was clearly not healthy and would have become unviable at some point during the pregnancy or early life.
It was better that it happened as early as it did, then to wait any longer and suffer more.
I no longer felt guilty and knew that I did nothing wrong to cause this. I wasn’t confused, because I did my research and learned about how and why this happens.
I didn’t feel alone because once I got through the worst of it, I was able to open up about my experience. Most of all, I wasn’t angry or upset, but just prayed I would be fortunate enough to have a healthy pregnancy in the future.
What is a Chemical pregnancy?
This type of pregnancy/miscarriage is typically called a chemical pregnancy. This is when an egg does get fertilized and makes it’s
This will lead to a positive pregnancy test as the embryo does start to implant, however at any point during or shortly after implantation, the embryo no longer becomes viable.
Chemical pregnancies are very common, however most women who experience them, don’t even know they were even pregnant.
Chemical pregnancies occur right around the time of a missed period. Unless you are actively trying to get pregnant, you may miss a chemical pregnancy.
To some, they may just assume they had a late period because the bleeding natural occurs a few days after your period should come or after a positive pregnancy test is recorded.
Pregnancy test companies, like Clearblue, have been coming out with tests that can detect the pregnancy hormone several days before a missed period. While this is so exciting for some to find out earlier than expected, it can cause the same devastation that I went through.
Had I not tested early, I would have never known I was pregnant and saved myself those hurt feelings. I would have just thought that it didn’t work that month and I got a regular period.
Pregnancy after miscarriage
Since it was an early miscarriage, I was given the go-ahead to start trying in my next cycle. Fortunately, for us, it was successful.
Of course, I was excited, but a little hesitant to be. Would the same thing happen again? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak one more time?
I didn’t have the same rush of emotions as the first time. It was a little more subdued, but of course, I was still thrilled.
I just knew I would never experience that first time again. I felt like I was robbed of that same excitement I felt after seeing the first pregnancy test.
I was also more hesitant to tell family and friends for fear that the same thing would happen again.
I gave my doctor the heads up that I was still emotional about the first miscarriage and worried about the health of my current pregnancy. I called in several times in the first trimester because I just didn’t feel pregnant.
He let me come in for more ultrasounds, fetal dopplers, and blood work to confirm that everything was still progressing well.
The pregnancy turned out successful and I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl to show for it.
. . . . .
Pregnancy after miscarriage can be a scary and emotional process. You are not alone.
There are plenty of women who have experienced the same and can understand what you’re going through. You have a right to feel the same amount of pain that any other woman would feel during this time.
However, just be confident that a healthy fetus will progress successfully as it should and if there is an issue with the pregnancy, there was
